Thy Will be done

Yesterday, while thousands of people flock so see the procession of the most beloved Former President Corazon Aquino, I opted to stay at home with my most beloved as well. As lethargic as I can be, I just watched the television even though my heart yearns to pay my last respect to the late President.. besides I figured that it would be better and if I will just do my part in the improvement of this country by fulfilling my oath as an unbiased Professor who prefers teaching those who values education.

So there, I watched the television when my sick mind resurfaced again and burst out a comment.

“Sana nga malaman ko rin kung ano ang plano ng Diyos sa akin.”

My loved-one, immediately reacted to that comment saying..

“Akala ko ba gusto mo maging Teacher?”

(Here, I go again…damn this my sick mind.. why can’t I just keep those things to myself instead of blurting it out?? I guess..that is normal when a topic or a situation really caught the attention of my head..)

Feeling a sense of an impending storm hanging above my head…I quickly explained the reason behind my comment.

“Hon..hindi naman sa dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Alam ko kung ano ang gusto kong gawin at alam ko kung saan at paano makakarating doon. Ang problema lang kasi..hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang plano sa akin ng Diyos.”

She replied:

“Eh di para mo na rin sinabi na wala kang plano?”

(yep..its definitely starting to rain on my head right now.. I have to end this quick or suffer the wrath of the wife..)

“Ah..eh..hindi rin naman.. as I said.. may plano ako.. kaya nga tayo binigyan ng free-will ng Diyos. Tayo ang magdedecide at magpla-plano sa mga buhay natin. As I said, it is just that hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano ang plano nya sa akin. Para sa akin, gusto ko makatulong sa pamamagitan ng pagiging teacher. Gusto ko sana maka-guide ng kahit konting kabataan para malaman nila ang totoong edukasyon at totoong pagmamahal sa Bayan. Pero the fact remains na meroon syang plano sa bawat isa sa atin. It is ultimately better than our plan kase parang chess yan eh.. di ba ang mga pawns hindi nila maiintindihan kahit kailan kung bakit sila inilagay sa square na yun? Pero sa mata ng naglalaro alam nya kung bakit. Eh…paano na lang kung ayaw gumalaw ng isang Pawn ayon sa plano noong naglalaro? Di ba sira ang plano? Malay mo kaya pala nilalagay doon yung pawn dahil makakain na sya ng knight? So yun nga hon.. basta ako may plano ako..pero humihingi parin ako ng sign kung ano nga ba ang plano Nya..hindi ko rin kailangan maintindihan yun..basta ang alam ko mas makakabuti yun at mas maganda sa plano ko.”

(Whew..sa wakas..hirap mag speech ah)

After a few minutes of digesting what I discussed..she finally said.

“Okay. Alam ko na kung bakit. Buti na lang inexplain mo.”

---end of discussion---

(ofcourse marami pa kami pinag-usapan pero hindi na dapat malaman yun)

I know that almost everyone especially those who says that they are “strong”, “intelligent” and “scientific” will always deem the discourse above as utter foolishness. And for that….you have my respect of your opinion. I believe that all opinions should be respected since it is personal.
However, that does not mean that I agree.. the thing is, I am the comrade mentioned in the following http://jumarr.blogspot.com/2009/07/one-gloomy-day.html. i stand for what I said, and how I view life. It is not just a matter of “me”, “me” and “me against the world”, but a matter of Us..We.. how we affect everyone around us. As I watched it on History Channel: “History of the Universe” a scientist commented that “We are all connected to each other genetically, connected to earth chemically, to the universe atomically.”
Hence, I see life as a web… and us..nodes..everything we do will have repercussions that will send wave from the closest node the to farthest edge of the web.. we should not just think of ourselves and think that there will be others affected by everything we do. Admit that there is some higher Force…Being if I may..maintaining that web...and showing us the way to achieve and realize our purpose.

To live without purpose is to live a lie..a useless lump of flesh.

Daydream

During my class on Abnormal Psych, my professor mentioned a word that punched a hole in my "G.S.-mode-mind"..."And what is the word??".. the word is Daydream. Since we are having discussions on the symptoms of ADHD, it is chanced upon that she said the following phrase..

"....daydreaming is a scapegoat. It is a defense mechanism of our brain. All people do that, not just the ones with ADHD."

-Daydreaming-

words..echoed through my head until it hurts.

...it is a defense mechanism of our brain to protect us from depression..it is like a natural high or we can say it is an innate "drugs (Droga Meeeeennn!!)" injected by our brain whenever we feel depressed, or need to get away from something, get away from the harsh, awful, facts of life.

free drugs!! WoooOo!! why not? a natural high to escape this reality..who would have thought that our brain can be so deceptive and caring (awwww)? Sure..Sure its nice to be "high" once in a while (with no dangerous side-effects mind you..), but i am guessing that when you find yourself daydreaming most of the time then there maybe a problem after all..

during the past few months, my mind always slips to dreamworld..sometimes i took it to myself to resist the temptation to wander but to no avail...

sometimes i dreamed of being a good-looking player of a college basketball league... with my hair tied on a ponytail, with an athletic build, and ofcourse with a fair complexion..i dreamt of always outplaying and outsmarting all of my opponents and winning the game with marvelous, camera-perfect three point shots..fans cheering on..shouting my name out loud with sighs of utter admiration to what I have accomplished...

sometimes i find myself dreaming that i am an artist (no..not the one in visual, musical or sculpting..the TV artist.....as much as it is sickening..it is the truth...) being cheered on, being hugged by fans, being well loved by all..

sometimes i dream of being a conductor in a grand hall.. i remembered i was conducting famous classical pieces..from the most famous and respected composers and conductors of old. Beethoven, Mozart...deserving of a Standing Ovation and cheer from all the people includng the musicians surrounding me..

..i also found myself as a pianist, with my tuxedo, playing on a lerge concert hall full of people wishing to hear me play...eyes are on me...drowning in the classical and neo-classical music that I have created..i remember sheer awe from the audience...

..i can not help myself but to get overwhelmed of a sudden rush of emotions..a sense of pure joy...

..joy experienced within a daydream..

..dreams of being "something" more...someone who I wished was me...but will never be..daydreaming to feel that everybody loves you, to feel that all are listening to you..a foolish hope that someday people will see you as 'Some-One'..all eyes are upon you, their admiration...i can not help myself but smile just a bit..

..but then again..

..it is just a dream..

A Fixed Eye on where I am supposed to go

Consider this… if one would like to go left, where will he look? Right? Ahead? Backwards? Or Left? “GodDamn your stupid mind if your answer to this simple question is wrong..” Yes..ofcourse Left. Now, let us discuss, why? Why Left? Can anyone answer please? “I dunno..maybe..i don’t know really talga ah.. baka kase mali ang sagowt ko.. kase dun sya pupunta??” are you sure?? “Uhmm… maybe.. maybe lang.. im not sure eh… baket?? Mali pow bahh?” Meron pa nga bang ibang sagot?? Naaalala ko noon nung bata pa ko.. lagi sinasabi ng aking Mommy na “Yes.. Mommy ang tawag ko sa aking Nanay..” it fits perfectly with the question.

Is it not logical na tumingin ka kung saan ka papunta? Kase nga naman baka ka maligaw..pero baka nga naman may valid na reason kung bakita dapat kang tumingin sa iba..baka naman mas maganda ang dinadaanan ng iba? “pwede rin”..baka naman meroon kang matutunan sa pinag dadaanan ng iba? “mas lalong pwede”… o baka naman hindi mo alam kung san ka pupunta….

The same goes to our lives. If one has a goal in his life..one will direct all his efforts and plan in the eventuality of that goal..the realization of his dreams. One will not waste his time looking to others for direction. One will only get the information he needs in order to succeed..what he will use for that goal. Why bother with other matters when the only thing that should matter is your goal? Why bother with other lives, when what matters is yours?

*sound of laughter in 60’s sitcom*

Why the laughter? Simply because of all the people that I know.. almost all of them are interested in other people’s lives….to see if what they have accomplished in a little span of time. I find it..stupid..and utter nonsense..why bother? Why view others? What will it do to your life? To your goal? Is it for self-satisfaction that you are finally overtaking that person in this crazy sick-fuck race called life? Stupidity…..is it not the same as looking in a different direction when your supposedly going to your destination?

I know a reasonable defense for that stupidity is: “Syempre..kaibigan ko yung tao eh.. syempre concern ako sa kanya.”… “..that shit is an ass shit of a stupid excuse”. Ofcourse dapat din tayong maging concern sa tao.. pero if you really are a friend then be reasonable enough to think na wala naman talagng mangyayari kaagad-agad sa buhay ng isan tao…lalo na sa buhay ngayon.. besides.. the fact of the matter is if you are a friend, then you will know what that friend of yours is undergoing, his plans, his strugles, you know him well enough to estimate his resilience and his plans on conquering what life has to offer to his pathetic miserable life. So if you really are a friend..then just say.. “Hey..kung gusto mo ng kausap..dito lang ako. Yaka yan.“ “Sounds fucking weird..” ok eto na lang… “Oi!” ThaT’s it!! Eureka! Yun lang ayos na! wag “Musta?” or wag din na “Musta? $564%# ka pa rin??” “given na pathetic buhay mo hindi ka sasagot” then after a few weeks “Musta? &%%^$^& ka pa rin? Ha? Yung saken ayos! Nasa ^^%&6 na ko ganda ng nakukuha ko dito.. all in all pwede na ko magretire ng 40 kase dami ko nakukubra. Ikaw?” “your so pissed at that fool to make you say..” “OO nandito pa rin ako sa &^&^%% hanggang mamatay.”

The same GodDamn Sanctimonious Bastards or just plain stupid will say “Whoo!! Bitter ka lang!”….i have nothing more to say…siguro it will fit if I just play again the laughter that you heard earlier..

*sound of laughter in 60’s sitcom*

Indeed it is sick.. I find it sick that these humans are so fond of that. As one colleague of mine coined it “Pataasan ng ihi”. If one should just think…it does not matter what state they are in…where they are or what they have done.. what matters is you. Your plan.. your goal. As my Mommy said.... “baka maligaw ka”.

An Introduction

... I believe we are not properly intoduced. Hi! I am $@%#^%. I’m 25 years old and currently working. More about me.. hmm..i have what others call a normal everyday face. Nothing special..just another dude with a fixed eye on where I am supposed to go.

Wading my way on a sea of Would-Be Humans, Pretenders, and Sub-humans alike….

Okay…that’s that..

aesthetics are no fun anyways..

Almost forgot, this piece is an introduction to what kind of shit your going to eoncounter along the way. I know it is illogical that I have already posted a blog called “Stupid Pollution” first, but I decided to write this anyway.. besides the first blog is what we call a Test.

“Parang may isang mama na pupunta sa entablado at magsasalita sa mikropono ng Hello! Mike Test..Hello. Hello. Mike Test.. Testing..Testing..1..2.3 Testing”


okay..so what the hell is that?

That is my inner thought.An opinionated sick shit bastard that has a mean attitude, a quick wit and almost always have something to say with regards to anything under, over, and things that are hiding from the sun. You will see a lot of those things when by chance you stumbled on this “I don’t know what to call this shit”…webpage…..or blog.. I dunno.. “it doesn’t matter anyways”.

You see, this webpage is an avenue of my mind. Things written here during the God awful days of my God Awful Life, are only a product of my eccentric, nauseating, and sick mind.

To make this clearer let me give you a first lesson on:

HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE A NORMAL FROM A SICK MIND 101

- normal mind will think what it wants you to think.
- flat out it will think what it sees regardless of any information behind the situation

e.g.

Commercial of Batang Bibo Hotdog
Mind: Wow. Their Cute! I wanna buy one and see if I’ll be cute as well

Sick Mind: God Damn this assholes!! This society is sick to always use Children in Commercialism. Well considering that they are cute, they are the perfect advertisers. I mean, they can really entice you to buy something because of their big dark eyes and their smile. All in all I have to give credit to this sick bastards who uses kids for their own gain. Their parent should be the first guardians against this, however I can not really pass all the guilt to them, there are kids that loves the limelight. And ofcourse the biggest reward of all…. Cute and cuddly kids are worth BIG bucks..

I hope you finally understand.. a sick mind always tends to dig deeper… to explore every facets of information before making a statement.. and ofcourse a sick mind always wants to prosecute themselves by delving deeper and deeper to things that they always loose in touch to the real, physical world. A world that exists, shaped by nature and some say humans.

So there the inner workings of my mind are revealed here. I know that almost everyone writes things in their blog that is a product of what they have seen. Its contens based on what they perceive is right received by their senses. Mine is a bit different, as you will know “and revealed in the About Me:” my life sucks. It sucks to be me. I am a borring person with a borring life.. nothing exciting..nothing noteworthy about it. What I can only write is what is going on inside my tumultous head…my mind that is Sick.. hence the title Sick Bastard..

Oh yes..final warnings: it would be a waste of your time and mine if you bother to write your opinions…nor to let it be known to me. The truth of the matter is, I do not care of your opinions. Things written here are mine.. and mine alone. Raw products of my mind that is different from yours. Upon seeing this, it is advised to click the “Go Back” icon of your Browser and shoot yourself in the head.. enjoy..

STUPID POLLUTION

July 29, 2009

Wednesday 04:17 karamihan ng tao nasa kahimbingan ng tulog ngayon, ngunit gising pa rin at naka-titig sa isang parisukat na Monitor ng Computer. Tinitingnan ang napakaliit na talaan ng oras sa may bandang baba at humihiling na asana ay ala-sais na. Makauwi na, makapagyosi at makapagpahinga…04:20

04:21 wala pa ring magawa..kung tutuusin meron pa akong 8 email na dapat sagutan..yun ang nakatala sa kontratang pinirmahan ko pero..ayoko nang gawin..nakakatamad..nakakainis..nakakairita..walang silbi ang lahat..walang anu man ang pwede kong magawa na makakapag-alis ng isang napakalaking katotohanan na ako ay nandidito pa rin.. sa isang lugar na nakakasuka, nakakalason at nakakasulasok na kahangalan…

04:23 nasagi sa isipan ko ang nangyari kani-kanina lang.. masaya kaming nagkwekwentuhan tungkol sa mga kabataan at pulitko nang bigla kaming may marinig na isang malakas at nakakatuliling na tawa..kasabay nito ay isang kanta ni Akon na nanggagaling sa celfone..”so naandito nanaman pala ang suki naming perpektong ehemplo ng isang hangal..” gusto ko sana na manahimik na lamang at magpatuloy na magkwento habang naririnig ang isang tunog na hindi mo mawari kung galing ba isang nilalang ng Diyos o isa laman kalansing ng latang walang laman na hindi tumitigil sa ugtol..pero yun nga..kasamaang palad.. hindi ko na kinaya..kaya’t inaya ko palabas ang aking mga kasama at doon na lamang magkwentuhan..

Buhay nga talaga ay lagi na lamang mapagbiro.. simpleng kasiyahan na lang na makapagkwentuhan ng mga bagay-bagay na gagamitan ng talas ng isipan ay hindi ko pa magawa. Simpleng bagay lang…pero siguro ganoon talaga..wala naman akong magagawa kung hindi ay tanggapin ang mga nangyayari..harapin ito at gawan ng paraan..minsan hindi ko rin mapigilan na maiinggit sa mga normal na tao sa paligid ko..oo nga’t ang mga pinag-uusapan nila ay napaka simpleng bagay tulad ng <“Boy! Ilan nga ba napatay mo kanina sa DOTA?” RE: “Puta Pare! Backstab ka naman kanina eh!! Wag kang takot Boy!! Puta pag nakita kita at natira ng Stun Tingnan ko lang kung makapalag ka pa!” RE:RE “HAHAHAHA! ASA pa BOY!!!”> tsaka <”WaaAaAaAa!! NANDiTo ka Geiieeaaeeearrrlllll!!! O anoooOoo?? Saan ka Nanaman Nag PuntAaaAaaaa! Oi anu ba!! Tinext kita kaninaaAaa..bakit hindi ka sumasagoooOoot??”>

NOTE: I tried my best to write what I have seen earlier. The string of identical letters is a representation of a very,very.very excited and very,very,very loud exclaim of a very,very,very,very,very big woman, with a very,very,very,very,very,very,very Big..as In BIG mouth..on to the blog…

..pero at least kitang-kita mo na wala silang iniisip. Stress-free kung baga.
04:47 matapos mag-isip ng ilang minuto..napagtanto ko na hindi naman pala dapat ganoon ang tamang pag-iisip. Dapat tanggapin na lang na ang lahat ng tao ay magkakaiba..hindi porket mali sa iyo ay mali sa kanila..ganoon din naman na ang tama sa iyo hindi rin kaagad tama sa kanila. Siguro magkakatalu-talo na lang kung ang ginagawa mo ba ay nakakasagasa o nagiging istorbo at pasakit sa mga tao sa paligid mo. Isipin na may iba pang tao sa paligid mo na kaparehas mong nabubuhay..sana isipin natin na irespeto natin sila para magkaroon din tayo ng respeto sa sarili. Kung karespe-respeto tayo..rerespetuhin din tayo ng iba..

04:55..malapit-lapit na rin ang ala-sais..

..napakalayo pa ng lahat..